If you ever thought that undergoing ETS would end the good ol’ fight-or-fight emotional sweating episode, read on, my friend.  As I have said in a few messages here and there, but need to say Loud and Clear right here on the blog, please do not assume that having ETS will cure you from Hyperhidrosis.  Sure, there may be some lucky individuals who have had sympathectomies that have mild compensatory sweating, dry feet and dry hands, but I believe that they are in the (lucky) minority.  Compensatory Sweating still occurs for most of us, and its patterns and frequency are all over the board, from what I can guess.  For me, it hasn’t been bad, but I am still vulnerable to the occasional nasty, unforeseen attack.

Today, I got zapped.  Here’s the recipe for my…

Old Fashioned Sweating Episode

• 1 linen top likely to show moisture
• 1 pair olive khaki pants guaranteed to show sweat
• ADD 2 cups of Extra Virgin Idiocy in assuming this would be a safe choice for Church in the middle of July
• WHISK together, with a Dash of Arrogance that I no longer Need to Worry About These Things
• FOLD into mix:
• 1 missing 9 year old child whom husband, responsible for bringing the Rest of the Children to Mass while you drop off youngest child to birthday party, mistakenly leaves alone at home
• 1 heaping Tablespoon of Angst that said child is Hysterical at Home, Alone (while Freaked Out Husband leaves to fetch her)
• 1 well-meaning Usher at Church that asks you to Bring Up the Gifts!!!
• 6 cups Severe Anxiety that the Entire Congregation will have an Unobstructed View of Damp…ahem…Pants as you walk up the aisle bringing up gifts
• ADD to this,
• 2 more people, aforementioned husband and child (amused by events rather than hysterical), crowding into the pew accompanied by waves of Body Heat
• MARINATE in mounting Panic and typical Fight-or-Flight Trapped Feeling whilst sweat pops out literally Everywhere, including HANDS that are NOT supposed to SWEAT anymore…
• COOK for approximately 40 minutes in Warm and Humid Church

……and Voilà! You have one fully formed, rich, decadent Post-ETS, Put-You-Right-Back-in-Your-Place Sweating Episode!

Oh, and in case you were wondering…..Yes. I did bring up the Gifts, all the while holding up an imaginary Middle Finger at my Hyperhidrosis (yes, Imaginary, it was Church!).  And, no, the moisture was not showing as I had (silently) convinced myself it would during that 1/2 hour I was supposed to be worshiping.

FYI, on a serious note: ETS disconnects the nerve(s) that make you sweat in your hands (and underarms and head, depending on the specific surgery)— depending on the technique, whether they are cut, removed, clamped, or merely snipped (as mine were), the surgery does not re-set your overactive Sympathetic Nervous System.  Your sweating may end up being more under control, as mine is, because the absence of hand sweat (or blushing) lowers the anxiety and the triggers that normally cause an episode are no longer usually there.  But Science has not come up with anything that cures the basic malfunction that is responsible for Primary Hyperhidrosis: an abnormally overactive Sympathetic Nervous System.

In short, our thermostats are broken!  Every “cure” that we try out, every treatment, really just ranges  from Band-Aids to duct tape.  Sometimes these things don’t work; often they do, but with the occasional glitch.  …or zap…!